PTSD Is Real

Yesterday, 1-1-2023, I became more aware that there are certain words, times, locations that instantly bring back certain feelings that I hope to never feel again. Many have those words that seem to line up like dominoes, waiting for which one will trigger the flood of feelings that for some are extremely overwhelming. I haven't had the TV on for most of the last two weeks. The bombardment of negativity has become offensive and unwelcome. So I've heard little to no news. In a conversation, somebody mentioned a shooting. My memories immediately went to March 1, 2021, when my neighbor friend was killed by gunshot. My sensitivity to these types of events forever changed that day. Everything in me becomes tense and on high alert. The conversation continued recalling various shootings until it reached an event I hadn't thought of in some time, what is known around here as the Wedgewood shooting. Things I witnessed that day came flooding through my brain. And various events and people started scrolling through my memories. Wedgewood. Uvalde. Neighbor friend. Students. And continued to other unrelated events with similar helpless emotions. Christmas 2000. 9-11. Murray Federal Building. When I got home, I sat in my recliner and slept for 3-4 hours. Between all I was trying to take in during the morning service and all that had been said in the conversation at lunch, I was exhausted. (Of course, some of that exhaustion occurs because of my being an ambivert/ introvert.) Events where we have some type of connection, directly or secondarily, tend to build a grid within our brain where we try to sort out what we did and what we should do next time. Sometimes, for the events we were directly involved, we struggle to sort out if we did the right things or if we failed to do something that would have made a difference and kept somebody alive or safer than they were. This is why those who are directly involved in making decisions with such events, often debrief. Those who don't have that opportunity have to find other ways to debrief. Some hold it inside. Some find a way to get the process verbalized. PTSD is real. I have it. I know others who have it. Getting help is vital. For some, getting help feels like surrendering to failure. As I write on this potentially stormy day, more events flood my mind. March 1991 tornado. Fort Worth tornado. Moore tornado. Hurricane Katrina. Hurricane Ike. Hurricane Harvey. We survive. But our reactions are extreme when another similar event happens or even if it simply starts raining. Or we hear a certain word or sound. Or we smell I certain smell. Or we feel something emotionally or physically. Or we see something in particular. We often say nothing because for others such triggers don't exist; therefore, their level of understanding our battle is foreign. Check on the people you're connected to! Even if you don't understand. You don't have to try to fix anything. Don't push for information, but asking questions might be helpful. Listen! Half of healing is verbally processing. They need to know they're not alone in their battle to return to "normal". What I'm learning is that our spiritual enemy is opportunistic, using our humanness and insecurities against us. Lies are developed, things we believe about ourselves. We bought into them, often unknowingly. Sometimes another person said those lies to us. Somebody we trusted. Somebody we should have been able to trust. We could have done better. We should have done this instead of that. Why didn't I remember to do that? God allowed this to try to get our attention. As if God will do anything to get our attention. But He already did what was needed to save us from our sin and to be with us forever. Remember Jesus? Holy Spirit has been showing me the lies I have believed and when I started believing them. Showing me how to stop agreeing with the lies and start agreeing with what God says is true. I still have more to work on. A huge mind shift is happening, even after 45 years of being a Christian. And, yes, God USES events to get our attention. I made a decision on Sept 25, 2021 to go to a church where God said to go. I'm so grateful that I listened and did what I felt like was ridiculous, drive 25 miles to a church instead of the 4 miles I had planned. Since then, I feel like I've been on the upswing of an exponential trajectory (picture an exponential graph). Life is changing. Some of my friends recognize the changes. I feel the changes. I want to hurry the changes. But God's timing is better than mine.

Time for 2023

31Dec2022@5:36 - 6:55pm

My whole day turned on a dime to all kinds of things I did not plan. As a result, I had opportunity to get a picture just after the sun set for the last time in 2022. To get the picture, I went down a road I had never gone down, Rough Rider Rd. There was an empty gravel parking lot that I pulled into. I decided to sit, roll down the window, turn off the engine and lights, and ask God what He had to say. This is what I heard: Time to HEAL. There have been many disappointments, hurts, wrongs done to you, unmet expectations, fears, doubts, insecurities and life not being all you had hoped, up to this point. Now that you understand better about how I see others, you can let go easier, forgive easier, move forward easier, and not be angry with Me. I know you didn't want to be angry but I'm okay with whatever you bring to Me. The more you do this, the less baggage you'll be carrying. But I'm not changing that soft heart. You'll learn how to better handle the feelings. I'm okay with the tears. You've taken some big steps forward in the last couple of months. I've connected you to the people you need in your life for this season. This road is a road less traveled. Few of my followers have found it. I want that to change, but they're where they feel like they're suppose to be right now. You will find that you will live a life you thought was only a dead dream. I've put a DREAM in you that even you don't understand yet. Keep WRITING. You know you communicate better that way. I made you a deep thinker for a reason. I made you to question things for a reason. I made you to want to research things for a reason. This will also require LISTENING. Be prepared that some will not agree with what you write. Don't worry about that. What goes on between you and I is more important. And you're going to be speaking more, so get ready. Make CONNECTIONS. All kinds of connections but only the connections I direct you to make. I will show you what type of connection each one will be. Have PATIENCE because others have to deal with their own situations before certain connections are acceptable. I've put people in your path who have worked hard to have a better understanding of grace, mercy, and unconditional love. They have learned what My kingdom is and is not. I really want to blow your mind, knock your socks off, and fulfill your wildest dreams. I'm thrilled you took Me up on making that trip that Sunday morning back in Sept, (Sept 25th), to the church I have you at now. I'm thrilled that you dove in and keep diving in. Don't ignore that hunger inside of you to build on this relationship we have. (A hunger for God that I felt like I had lost for the last 10-15 years. Like there was nothing I could do to get back to that hungry relationship.) You're okay. I've got you! I'll never let you go. Rest and be amazed.